As I sit here watching my 13-year-old daughter help her 9-year-old brother with his homework, I’m reminded of one of the most profound parenting lessons I’ve learned over the years: parenting isn’t about me. It’s about them – each unique, wonderful, challenging child who has taught me more about myself than any self-help book ever could. Let me reiterate, parenting is not about you.
It took me a while to recognise and accept that both of my kids are different and there’s no one-size-fits-all way of raising them. They are 4 years apart and so different from each other. Their personalities, choices, behaviours, likes and dislikes are poles apart. Most importantly, they are not me and I am not them.
I want to leave my children free with their thoughts and feelings, so that they can develop their inner life with all the space they need.
The Wake-Up Call That Changed Everything
When my daughter was born 13 years ago, I thought I had it all figured out. I’d read every parenting book, absorbed countless articles about child development, and had a clear vision of what kind of mother I wanted to be. I was going to be calm, organized, and raise a well-behaved child who reflected all my best qualities.
Reality hit me like a freight train.
My daughter was nothing like the quiet, orderly child I’d envisioned. She was loud, spirited, and intensely social – everything I wasn’t. I found myself constantly trying to mold her into my vision of the “perfect child,” and we were both miserable. The more I tried to control her natural tendencies, the more we clashed.
I was making the classic parenting mistake: I was trying to parent the child I thought I should have, not the child I actually had.
The Revelation: It’s About Understanding Them, Not Fixing Me
The breakthrough came when I realized I needed to stop looking at my daughter’s behavior as something to “fix” and start seeing it as valuable information about who she was. Instead of asking “How can I make her quieter?” I started asking “How can I help her thrive as the energetic, social person she is?”
This shift in parenting mindset was revolutionary. I began studying my daughter – really studying her. I learned that:
- She processes emotions by talking them through (while I prefer to think quietly)
- She thrives in social situations that energize her (while they drain me)
- She needs movement and activity to focus (while I need stillness)
- She’s incredibly sensitive to others’ emotions (a gift I was treating as a problem)
Once I understood these core aspects of her personality, I could adapt my parenting strategies to support her individual needs rather than fight against them.
Adding a Second Child: The Age Gap Advantage
Four years later, when my son was born, I thought I’d have parenting figured out. After all, I’d learned so much from my daughter! But here’s what no one tells you about parenting children with age gaps: each child is a completely different puzzle to solve.
My son, now 9, is the polar opposite of his sister in many ways. Where she’s extroverted, he’s thoughtful and introspective. Where she needs constant social interaction, he needs quiet time to recharge. Where she learns by discussing, he learns by doing.
The 4-year age gap between my children has actually been a blessing in many ways. Wide age gaps can reduce competitiveness between siblings and encourage closer relationships, and I’ve seen this firsthand. My daughter naturally took on a nurturing role with her little brother, and their different developmental stages meant they weren’t competing for the same things.
Individual Parenting: One Size Definitely Doesn’t Fit All
Here’s what I’ve learned about effective parenting strategies for children with different personalities:
For my daughter (the social butterfly):
- I validate her need to process emotions verbally, even when it’s the fifth time she’s told me about a friendship drama
- I listen. That’s it. Without giving any advise or opinion. Unless she asks for a solution or an idea
- I also do not interrupt or interfere in her friend-circle conversations, unless she reaches out herself to have an open heart conversation
- I help her find appropriate outlets for her energy and social needs, while also encouraging her to find her own footing and circle
- I’ve learned that what looks like “attention-seeking” is actually her way of connecting – being an ambivert, this actually came as a revelation to me
- I celebrate her leadership qualities instead of trying to tone them down
For my son (the quiet observer):
- I give him time to think before expecting responses
- I respect his need for alone time and don’t push social activities he’s not ready for
- I appreciate that his thoughtful approach means he often sees things others miss
- I’ve learned that his silence doesn’t mean he’s not engaged
- I let him vent out his frustration without shutting him up or giving any advise
- I validate his feelings but also remind him of his “big boy” powers
The Challenges of Different Parenting Approaches
Parenting siblings with different needs isn’t always easy. Sometimes my daughter feels like her brother gets away with being quieter, while my son sometimes feels overwhelmed by his sister’s intensity. The key has been:
- Explaining differences without making judgments: “Your sister needs to talk through her feelings, and you need quiet time to process yours. Both are perfectly okay.”
- Setting different expectations: My daughter thrives with detailed conversations about expectations, while my son does better with simple, clear directions.
- Finding common ground: Despite their differences, both kids need love, consistency, and respect for who they are.
What This Means for Your Family
If you’re struggling with parenting challenges because your child doesn’t respond the way you expected, here’s my advice:
- Stop trying to parent yourself. Your child isn’t you – they’re their own unique person with their own needs, temperament, and ways of seeing the world.
- Become a student of your children. Watch how they respond to different situations. What energizes them? What overwhelms them? What helps them learn best?
- Adapt your approach. Flexibility is key when parenting children with different needs, as each child’s interests may differ significantly. What works for one child might be completely wrong for another.
- Celebrate their uniqueness. Instead of seeing differences as problems to solve, see them as gifts to nurture.
The Long-Term Benefits of Individual Parenting
Now, years into this journey, I can see the benefits of this approach. My daughter is confident in her social skills and isn’t afraid to speak up for herself or others. My son has developed incredible emotional intelligence and the ability to think deeply about complex issues.
They’re both thriving because I learned to meet them where they are, not where I thought they should be.
Practical Tips for Parents
Here are some parenting tips I wish I’d known earlier:
- Observe before you react: When your child’s behavior puzzles you, try to understand the need behind it
- Question your expectations: Are they based on your child’s personality or your own preferences?
- Embrace the age gap advantages: Different developmental stages can actually reduce sibling rivalry
- Validate different approaches: Show your children that there are many right ways to be human
- Stay flexible: What works today might not work tomorrow as your children grow and change
The Bottom Line
Effective parenting isn’t about having perfect children who reflect our best qualities. It’s about raising children who are confident in their own unique gifts and abilities. It’s about creating a family environment where everyone can be authentically themselves.
My house is definitely not the quiet, orderly place I once envisioned. It’s loud and chaotic and full of big personalities. And you know what? It’s absolutely perfect for the family we actually are, not the family I thought we should be.
The greatest gift we can give our children is the message that they are perfectly wonderful exactly as they are – and then parent them accordingly. Trust me, when you stop trying to fit square pegs into round holes, everyone in the family is happier, healthier, and more connected.
Parenting isn’t about you – it’s about them. And that’s exactly how it should be.
What’s your biggest challenge in adapting your parenting style to your individual children? Share your experiences in the comments below – I’d love to hear how other parents navigate these beautiful, complex relationships we call family.
